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Once my children are all gone, I guess my life will be as it was, before their awakening spirits collided with mine. I wonder if I will reside back to where I once was? I can barely remember the car that once I called home, A 1975 Toyota Celica two doors or was it four? I remember the sky light, my favorite part of the vehicle; as I was always stranded in it. Always wondering if this was a place I wanted to sleep Or shall I keep driving to see the next clearing? No pets. A lot of butterflies, both wondering where I am heading, how far will I go, before I need gas. Who shall I call? Back in the days when you can have mom talk to the Station Clerk and give her card number via phone conversation, to help a wayward daughter out. Like a dream, I can see every changing river bend, the bridges that took me to hideaways and some of the fish I caught there. Once I caught a big lipped catfish off the creek bed just down from a place called Orient in Ohio. I wonder if anything has changed, so much has changed that places are more likely long gone.
My life before kids was quite easy to please my needs in the middle of a giant world. When I needed to sleep I would pull over and sleep; pitch a tent if the place was off the beaten path. When I was hungry, I just fished or found vegetation in the woods, sometimes I would make it home or to Grandmas for a good home cooked meal. Coming and going, as I please in a world that didn't seem to dangerous, unlike now a days, where every station on the TV is riddled with death or some other evil. No my youth was truly blessed, and easy to fill with light and love, meeting new people along the way, experiencing new life out in a world full of wonder. Now it is all at the command of my fingertips through a smaller version of a compact computer screen. I can see the world in "real time", what other time is there? Back in a time where the mailman knew your name and the policemen actually came over for dinner and carried conversations along the side of the road.
Obligations now hold me to them: cars, rent, and bills. Like my neighbors who have purchased their homes long ago, I too am responsible for paying my share. Unlike my neighbors, I have never qualified for a home, a place to officially call mine. Either a curse or a blessing now looking back upon what could have been my life; has not been mine at all. Understanding the sacrifices my life has taken in toll and what now can become once more. To walk in my own barefooted path with no one to hold up or carry. Sounds like a dream once lived but no more. Wondering if I can even walk alone once again; eager to try.
My bare feet brings me closer to the maker, my ever loving Gaia. To feel the streams, rocks (and there are many) under one's own feet is an amazing plight. Bringing back the one true connection that was lost so long ago, the connection that is needed to finish my life's journey, as one so older will do when their time has come. A little less than a year to go before the change in my heart, that must bend to my will, my courage, and my lasting endlessness. Every touch of earth between my fingers and under my path brings me closer to my purpose. It is my mission to stay true to my life, even with others at play I must carry on. Forward into my lasting nights and loving days, the last of my lights shine for purposes I have yet to fulfill.
Bound here to the promises I have made, bound here to this quaking night.